when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
