i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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