dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.