I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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