Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
