when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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