And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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