Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
