i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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