he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I will be naked everywhere
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
