Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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