the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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