She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
