Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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