Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
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pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
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Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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