I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
how drunk are you?
Several
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
