i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
