Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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