Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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