Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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