My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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