my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
