the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
