So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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