I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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