Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
