i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
