how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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