Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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