Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
