dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
