I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
