I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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