Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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