Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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