The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
