I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
