If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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