I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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