ya dads aren't the best wingmen
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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