Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
