when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Come on in and take your pants off
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