Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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