Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
