is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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