I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Randomize
