he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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