ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
