I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
