he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
