I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
