I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
