Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
