he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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