There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
