1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
As shirtless as possible
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
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