when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Drake has all the answers
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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