Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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