don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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