The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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