when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
