I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
