I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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